[Prologue: (Linton in the ring.) A wrestling ring. A space only fifteen feet by fifteen feet. The bottom is usually the canvas-covered floor, but Jimmy Magnum has twice been hurled against the floor so hard it broke. The bottom is the ground. The top, as high as the imagination. Here stride the mighty of the earth.

Ropes, strong enough to tear a man in half. Steel posts strong enough to lift a house. Turnbuckles carefully padded, sometimes. In amateur wrestling, the mat is considered too hard to be safe if an egg dropped from shoulder height breaks. This is an egg. Shall I drop it from here? Here? Here? (Drops egg from knee high and it breaks.) This is not an amateur ring.

Here they come, lured by the worship of the crowds, the scent of fame, the thrill of the challenge. Who now remembers Tamberlane or Chester Nimitz? Yet each in his time commanded the greatest military force that had existed. Who remembers the Roman emperor who built the coliseum? What general so terrified the Chinese that they elected to build the Great Wall? Fame does not live with building or destroying. Fame lives here.

Think of them now. The Bushwhackers. Hulk Hogan. The Disciple. The Rattlesnake. The Undertaker. And … what's his name? … You know … (consults notes) Man Kind.

But there is contained in this tight space, penned in by these feeble strings, something more than glory, more than courage, more than power. Here you may glimpse the shadow of it.

There is nothing so becomes a man or woman as a smile, a heart quick to forgive, a mind keen to understand. An acceptance of fear and of limitations. But for any mind to achieve a smile or other noble thing, there is that which must first be controlled. Here you may see it. Here in this ring it rules. It denies all limitations, knows no fear. It does not smile. It does not understand. It does not forgive.

This is no ring. This is your soul. And as the forces here seen are pent up, so may your soul pen up that savage thing and keep it well controlled. For if it breaks loose and controls you instead, then you will surely be destroyed. So look well, not at our poor play, look inside yourself, and know that enemy that must be made your servant.]

Wrestling Show

Linton:

Welcome to the clock lecture series. It is just a coincidence, but we have a Monday night time slot; we play opposite professional wrestling. So since if you can't lick 'em, join 'em, this is going to be about professional wrestling.

Our expert tonight will be: Jimmy Magnum.

Enter Jimmy:

Linton: Hello Jimmy.

Jimmy: Hello.

Linton: Now Jimmy, I notice you are dressed in high laced boots, puffy pants, big puffy shirt, gloves and a gallon of water in your hair. Do you actually dress like that in public?

Jimmy: No, I get paid to dress like this. But if I felt like dressing this way, I would.

Linton: Why do they pay you for dressing like this?

Jimmy: It's part of my wrestling persona.

Linton: What's that?

Jimmy: That is the person I bring to life in front of these cameras.

Linton: No, you're the person.

Jimmy: I may be the physical being, but it's my persona everyone pays to see. That's why I dress this way.

Linton: I'm looking at a physical being. How can you be anything else?

Jimmy: Look. Physically I don't change. It's upstairs that you change into something else.

Linton: All right then, go upstairs and change into something else.

Jimmy: I'll send in the Fallen Angel. (EXIT)

Linton: All right. Funny. I thought this was a one story building.

Jimmy (ENTER wearing white thing, halo, wings.)

Linton: You must be the Fallen Angel. Hello.

Jimmy: What do you mean halo? Are you trying to start a fight? Are you making fun of me?

Linton: (snicker) Just look at you. Do I have to try very hard?

Jimmy: Hard? I'll tell you what's hard. Wait 'til they hit you with five thousand thunderbolts and about eighteen tons of burning sulfur. That's hard. That's enough to make your day go sour.

Linton: Take it easy, calm down, get your blood pressure up.

Jimmy: Blood? Funny you should mention blood. (takes step)

Linton: Why don't you just stay there.

Jimmy: Why don't I just tear your head off? Nah. That's too easy. Let's go get in the ring instead. (Picks Linton up.)

Linton: Could we have Jimmy Magnum back? I think I like that persona better. (EXIT Jimmy.)

Linton: I think I understand this person thing now.

Jimmy (ENTER) Hello, I'm back. What happened while I was gone?

Linton: (Shrugs) Jimmy, could you tell us some of the rules of pro wrestling. When does the match start?

Jimmy: In most cases, the sound of the bell, but some guys have a tendency to start whaling at each other before that. It might start back stage. There are no rules really.

Linton: How long does a match last?

Jimmy: Until someone loses.

Linton: Day and night for week?

Jimmy: They say that a couple of mountain gorillas fought for ten days and nights, but humans seldom fight more than thirty minutes without stopping to breathe. Of course a feud can go on for months.

Linton: How do you lose?

Jimmy: There is a pin fall. The winner puts the other guy's shoulders on the mat for a count of three by the ref. But there are other special matches that have other stipulations for a person to win. Like a ladder match, for example.

Linton: How does that work?

Jimmy: Well generally, there is a belt suspended above the center of the ring. And it can only be reached with a ladder. The first person to get the ladder, which is outside the ring, set it up and get the belt wins.

Linton: What if the other guy pushes the ladder over?

Jimmy: Well, not to be a smart-ass or anything, but then I guess he falls.

Linton: Any other special matches?

Jimmy: You could make up your own rules. Like the first person to do ten consecutive jumping jacks.

Linton: What about submission holds?

Jimmy: Let me bring in my submission expert.

Linton: Now let's try to keep this a family show.

Jimmy: I mean my submission hold expert.

Linton: Excuse me. There's a squeal in my microphone.

(Camera pans to girls sprinting in. Linton busies himself with microphone.)

Girls: There he is. I told you it was him.

Jimmy: (Calming gesture.) Ladies. Please.

Linton: Check…. Check….

Girls: He's so cute. Swarm him. Grab him.

(They start to pet Jimmy. This promptly turns into a swarm and he goes down in a sea of pulchritude.)

Jimmy: Ladies please.

(Clothing starts to fly in great quantity.)

Girl 1: Can I have your autograph?

(Arm emerges and signs autograph book.)

(Girls depart struggling over book.)

Girls: Mine. No it's mine.

(Jimmy and Ryuji in ring.)

Jimmy: Where were we?

Linton: It was something about submission.

Jimmy: This is my friend Ryuji.

(Action)

(pause in action)

Girls: There he is. Let's get him.

Jimmy: Try to stay calm, ladies.

(They swarm him and take him down again.)

Girls: This is so exciting. Grab something.

(Jimmy again goes down in a welter of girl.)

Girl 2 (Grabs a hand and holds it to her wrist or neck.) Feel how my heart is beating.

Girl 3: Picture. (They take a self-portrait of them lying on Jimmy.)

(Girls leave. Jimmy and Linton crawl past each other and stand up.

Jimmy: (Awed.) I felt her heart.

(Linton and Ryuji pull his glove off and put it on a cushion, which Ryuji tosses over his shoulder.)

Jimmy: All right. Let's get back to business here.

(action)

Linton: Of course nobody try this. If you want to learn how, find a wrestling school in your area.

(pause in action)

Linton: I keep hearing the word "suplex." What does that mean?

Jimmy: The word is from Greco-Roman wrestling. It's any time you pick your opponent up and slam him down. We'll do the vertical, the side suplex, the double underarm hook and the gut wrench. You can learn these four at wrestling school, and maybe that will get you in the door. But to stay in the room takes years of dedication, innovation and hard work.

(Demo suplexes.)

Linton: (Sniffs.) What's that horrible smell?

Ryuji: I'll go see. (Leaves.)

Linton: The smell is so bad I'm feeling faint.

Ryuji: (Running past.) It's the Stench. Run. Run.

Linton: Who is the Stench?

Jimmy: He's from Massachusetts. Once he was a perfectly normal person, but he was always getting hurt. Now all you see is bandages. He thinks it takes so long to take the bandages off for a shower that it's not worth the effort.

Linton: What about what we think?

Jimmy: A lot of people from Massachusetts don't care what we think.

Stench I: (Enter in bandages. Points at Jimmy.)

Linton: I think he's challenging you.

Jimmy: Challenging me? I don't think there's much of a challenge there.

Stench I: Pulls off a bandage and throws it at Jimmy.

Jimmy: That does it. I accept your challenge.

Stench I: (Climbs into ring,)

Girls: (Crowd up to ring.) Jimmy! Jimmy!

Linton: (Exits ring.)

Stench I: (Follows Jimmy, who backs away.)

ACTION.]

Pause in action

Linton: He's signaling a W. What does that mean?

Jimmy: He's calling for a water break.

Linton: Hurry.

(Stench I runs off. Drinking sounds and empty water containers fly by)

Linton: He'll have to hurry.

Stench II: (Enter.)

Linton: You were thirsty, weren't you. Resume the ankle lock.

Stench II: (Takes up lock.)

ACTION AD LIB. HOPEFULLY STENCH II GETS THE UPPER HAND AT SOME POINT.

Stench II: (Slaps on a biohazard sign, calls for a wee wee break.)

Linton: That’s a W W. Stench is calling for a wee wee break.

Stench II: (Exit.)

(Sound of water running.)

Stench I: (Reenters.)

Linton: Lost some water weight there did you?

Stench I: (Points to sign. Victory dance.)

Jimmy: I'm not going on with this fight until he showers. Girls! (Climbs out.)

All: (Grab Stench and carry him off.)

(Shower. Water running. Vast quantities of steam coming out of shower.)

All: Struggling with Stench I down hall.

Girls: Hold him. Don't get him on your clothes. Oooh. He's slimy. Hold on tight. Throw him in.

(They force him into the shower.)

Stench I: (Unearthly shriek.)

Girls: That does it. Get the shower off. (Shower off.) Where is he?

(A small amount of muddy water going down the drain and a pile of wet bandages.)

Linton: That's all there was left of him: just the pain and the sweat and the bandages.

Jimmy: No, don't be so sure. Yankees from Massachusetts can be incredibly tough. Wherever there is filth, wherever there is pollution, wherever slime can lie untouched, think of the Stench.

Linton: Let's go back to the ring.

(Storm sewer. A bandage is making its way out.)

(Jimmy and Linton back in the ring.)

Jimmy: One of the most important things is to be intimidating. You can be smart and strong and know your stuff. But if you can't win the mental game, the dominance thing, you probably won't get far.

Linton: Come on. How can you learn to be intimidating?

Jimmy: Like anything difficult, it helps to have a coach.

Linton: You can coach someone to be intimidating?

Jimmy: I can teach her to be intimidating. (Points at Girl.)

Linton: This I've got to see. Come on into the ring. (They pull her up into the ring.)

Jimmy: Put on this shirt so you don't mess up your clothes. (Puts shirt over her head.)

Jimmy: Now put your arms through. (Puts his own arms through holes in back of shirt and out arms.)

Jimmy: Now glare.

Girl: (Smiles.)

Linton: (Mugs "This is ridiculous" to camera.)

Jimmy: Tie him us. (Arms tie Linton up.)

Linton: Hey! That hurts.

Jimmy: Slide down his arms to his wrist. (Arm does so.)

Jimmy: Now twist him around and come up in a hammerlock. (Does.)

Linton: I'm going to drop the microphone.

Jimmy: Force him onto his toes and grab the scruff of his neck. (Does.)

Jimmy: Now bounce him up. (Arms lift Linton into air.)

Girl: (To camera.) The sense of power is incredible. (To Linton.) Scared?

Linton: Yes I'm scared. Yes it hurts. Don’t break my arm.

Jimmy: That's one way to do it. We don't use that often. (The arms lower Linton and release him.)

Girls: Get him. Storm the ring. (They climb in and swarm Jimmy again. Clothes fly. A dress lands on Linton.)

Linton: A dress. Jimmy, I'm surprised.

Girl: (Bare to shoulders.) Hey. That's mine.

(The swarm continues.)

Jimmy: (On his back, works his way to the edge of the ring with his head hanging over up side down.)

Sue: (Enters. Unwraps hamburger and puts it in Jimmy's mouth.) How's it going?

Jimmy: (Between bites.) All right, I guess.

Sue: Going to be long?

Jimmy: Maybe half an hour.

(Girls fight over clothing.)

Sue: Pick up a half pint of half and half, a quarter pound of cheese, a quart of milk and a pound and half of ham.

Linton: How sweet. She's feeding him. It's true love.

Ryuji: Of course. It's his wife.

(Girls let Jimmy up.)

Linton: Now Jimmy, I'm sure everybody would like to see us mix it up a little. I haven't wrestled since college, but I wasn't too bad back then.

Jimmy: All right. Now in wrestling, like in martial arts or building a house or anything, you need a plan. You have to be ready to change your plan depending on how things are going. But you need a plan.

My plan will be a suplex followed by…

… You can see it you can counter my plan. If not, just relax and go with the flow. Now climb up into the ring.

Linton: Look. I didn't really follow all of that. Here, look. I have a dummy. Why don't you show me on the dummy what you're going to try to do. That will give me a better idea.

Jimmy: All right. No problem. (Proceeds to demolish the dummy.) OK. It's your turn.

Linton: Uh … it looks like we're out of time.

Optics

Fitness

Cracker horse

Renaissance festival

Bob and Weave show

Georgetown Flea Market

Sea Plane